When I die

[Author’s Note – This poem just came to me out of the blue. It might sound depressing, but its more like a prayer and talks rather of hope. Some people have told me that the ending could have been stronger, but oh well.. Reading time approx – 5 mins. ]

I feel like crying sometimes,
My mind is floating around
without an anchor , without a purpose
everything i hold onto is small, and melts away
or decays leaving an awfull smell
or leaving a painful memory of what was
what could have been and perhaps what will never again be

what is that
which my mind can hold, that is beautiful
noble and worthwhile of my soul
what can i trade my soul for
where is that thing of great value so that I donot sell myself short
for I donot want to sell myself short as I have done
so many times before

I cannot keep my soul to myself,
it pains and hurts
like a floating ghost without a purpose
like a blade too afraid to bleed rusting away
till it is brittle and dust
I seek that which will consume me
whole and leaving nothing out
which will use me
and I would have known that i have been used
for a worthy purpose

i seek that which will nourish my soul
i cannot find fulfillment
within myself
and everything without i lose respect soon enough
why god, why do you hide from me that
which can claim my heart and give me
a purpose

and drench my soul with a love
that will not die before me
that which shall not discard me
that which will put a smile on my lips
when i die.